Family picture taken 1 week after diagnoses
Monday, May 11, 2015
Bedtime prayers
Post chemo I'm always a bit teary. Today I was "touched" quite a bit. This morning I introduced my kids to the hymn, "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus", We weren't even
through the first verse and Alton had his head down in tears. "Alton, what's wrong?" I asked. "This song reminds me of your cancer" he wailed. We plodded through the song but I almost joined Alton when we hit the last line of the last verse, "...And I know that Thou art with me, wilt be with me to the end." I confessed to Alton that the song reminds me of my cancer too, and especiallly that I can trust Jesus through it. I hope they learn the sweetness of trusting Jesus through suffering. I think they are. I think we are learning it together.
Carter then asked me if I ever cry about having cancer. He was surprised when I told him I do quite a bit. I was surprised he didn't know that. Alton and I have had several cry fests together. Those sweet little loves completely undo me.
Tonight was the first night in awhile that I felt well enough, and not to tired, to tuck them in and say prayers with them. Alton, sweet little love, "I love you, mommy. I wish you didn't have cancer. We are praying a lot." I don't deserve these little loves, but I'm so blessed they call ME mommy. His prayer was precious. Of course he prayed for my cancer to go away "and never come back, so that mommy can be on this earth with us for a very long time." He included his two other "regulars" and lovingly prayed that they wouldn't have pain, and for comfort.
Carter was next. I was a puddle by the end of his prayer. He prayers every angle, for the cancer to go away, never come back, but if it does come back, not for a long time, and if you don't take the cancer away, help Mama to live for a long long time, so she can be with us. He prayed for others he knew were struggling with pain or suffering and then for anyone suffering that he's not aware of to pray for, he then prays. Then he moves on to the kids who don't have a mom or dad, or home, or food, or toys, that God would take care of them.
This completely touched my heart. The prayer of this little boy for others, hurting others, hurting others that he knew and didn't know. I love his heart. I wonder how God is going to use him. How
will he mold that love for the hurting. Ah, bedtime prayers.... I love them! So yes, it's a predictable
teary time, but today was a doozy. I blame those little loves that call me Mom.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Scan week
There is so much that should be said that I too often neglect to say. Going back to my last scan is a good starting off point for this post. It was the first scan that there was not the "struggle" for peace. It seemed just there. I was calm and reading my book while my precious husband sat jiggling his leg up and down. We both knew that these appointments can be game changers. I kept schooling myself that a bad scan is just a change in course not necessarily bad news. Just a change. Just a change. I was resting in that. And I was comforted by that.
The nurse came in with little info. But when Dr. Neal came in he was giddy with excitement. And announced that he had good news. Lewis immediely thought, " it's gone!" I was reveling in, "it's not bad news".
He went on to explain that there seemed to be some minimal shrinking in the main tumor in the lung. Very minimal, but the BRIAN! THE BRAIN! This was the exciting part. Only two of the brain metastases were visible. Only TWO visible. The others seem to gone. That's not supposed to happen. But it did. Looks like full brain radiation is pushed back a little deeper into the future and I'm still praying NEVER. But praise God, I got more than good news. I got a miracle. And my doctor knows it too. Yes, I still have cancer, but all these small victories are answers to my "more time" plea to my Lord.
I love these lines of JJ Hellers song, "I don't know what you're doing... But I know who YOU are." It always makes me teary. It's truth. I wonder what on earth is going on, everything seems so messed up. But that's when I focus on who HE is. He is the controller, holder, healer, helper, promise keeper, grace giver, and so much more. He is peace. He is the reason I was not afraid of even bad news. Because although I don't always understand what He's doing, I understand who He is and that He
loves me and that He will not stop caring for me.
There was a lot of prayer wrapped up in that peace. My own and I don't even know how many others. But I know they were praying for peace specifically. And God gave it very specifically. Isn't it amazing that the Lord always does exactly what he says he will do?
Earlier that day I joined the Lung Cancer Support Group at the urging of my Dr. I rolled my eyes at the thought but when I thought about it some more I had the feeling that it was something I should attend. Maybe I didn't need the group but someone there needed to hear my story. So I went and my sweet husband who wanted to go even less than I did came with. That precious man is always by my side.
I met some great people and was peppered with questions. Finally this, "so you've been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, and you have a young family, but you have a positive attitude, how do you maintain that positive attitude amongst all that?" Well, here we go. I told the group that though my diagnoses rocked my world, it was because of my relationship with Jesus Christ, that my attitude is able to be positive. I explained the peace He gives me, a peace that I am held, a peace that I have even with tears streaming down my face and my heart breaking into pieces. I told them that I know his heart is breaking too along with mine. But He also is calm because He knows the outcome and He has a plan. I told them I draw great comfort in the promise and anticipation of heaven and that one day, He will set all things right. I may have said more, I can't remember now. But I was surprised by a
few heads nodding in agreement with me. I wondered their stories and look forward to getting to know these people more. Afterwards, I talked to several of them for quite awhile and told the social worker that I would come back when my appointment aligned with group days. And I'm actually looking forward to that. May 6 is the next one I should be able to attend, Lord willing.
I am praying that God will use me to point other hurting hearts to Him. He is the only comfort and so worthy of our trust.
The nurse came in with little info. But when Dr. Neal came in he was giddy with excitement. And announced that he had good news. Lewis immediely thought, " it's gone!" I was reveling in, "it's not bad news".
He went on to explain that there seemed to be some minimal shrinking in the main tumor in the lung. Very minimal, but the BRIAN! THE BRAIN! This was the exciting part. Only two of the brain metastases were visible. Only TWO visible. The others seem to gone. That's not supposed to happen. But it did. Looks like full brain radiation is pushed back a little deeper into the future and I'm still praying NEVER. But praise God, I got more than good news. I got a miracle. And my doctor knows it too. Yes, I still have cancer, but all these small victories are answers to my "more time" plea to my Lord.
I love these lines of JJ Hellers song, "I don't know what you're doing... But I know who YOU are." It always makes me teary. It's truth. I wonder what on earth is going on, everything seems so messed up. But that's when I focus on who HE is. He is the controller, holder, healer, helper, promise keeper, grace giver, and so much more. He is peace. He is the reason I was not afraid of even bad news. Because although I don't always understand what He's doing, I understand who He is and that He
loves me and that He will not stop caring for me.
There was a lot of prayer wrapped up in that peace. My own and I don't even know how many others. But I know they were praying for peace specifically. And God gave it very specifically. Isn't it amazing that the Lord always does exactly what he says he will do?
Earlier that day I joined the Lung Cancer Support Group at the urging of my Dr. I rolled my eyes at the thought but when I thought about it some more I had the feeling that it was something I should attend. Maybe I didn't need the group but someone there needed to hear my story. So I went and my sweet husband who wanted to go even less than I did came with. That precious man is always by my side.
I met some great people and was peppered with questions. Finally this, "so you've been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, and you have a young family, but you have a positive attitude, how do you maintain that positive attitude amongst all that?" Well, here we go. I told the group that though my diagnoses rocked my world, it was because of my relationship with Jesus Christ, that my attitude is able to be positive. I explained the peace He gives me, a peace that I am held, a peace that I have even with tears streaming down my face and my heart breaking into pieces. I told them that I know his heart is breaking too along with mine. But He also is calm because He knows the outcome and He has a plan. I told them I draw great comfort in the promise and anticipation of heaven and that one day, He will set all things right. I may have said more, I can't remember now. But I was surprised by a
few heads nodding in agreement with me. I wondered their stories and look forward to getting to know these people more. Afterwards, I talked to several of them for quite awhile and told the social worker that I would come back when my appointment aligned with group days. And I'm actually looking forward to that. May 6 is the next one I should be able to attend, Lord willing.
I am praying that God will use me to point other hurting hearts to Him. He is the only comfort and so worthy of our trust.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
"Be anxious for nothing, but... let your requests be made known to God."
The topic of "fear" has come up a lot recently; in conversations, in my favorite daily devotion writers, as my kids contemplate which Disneyland rides they like, with old and young. It's something we all deal with at varying degrees.
My son, the worrier, will tell me about an ache or pain and ask, "is there such a thing as side cancer? Because my side really hurts." Or foot cancer, or tooth cancer... I'm seeing a trend as to where his mind is spent. Fretting over things he has no control over.
I hate that this is such a reality for him. My diagnoses and losing our TJ, has made this very real for him. It seems there is constantly a new person added to our prayer list because of the "C word". I hate this, and I'm grateful for this. Not for the fear but the opportunity it brings to learn, lean, teach, and model. It gives me the chance to point him back to Christ when fears arise. It also reminds me that how I deal with my fear points him. Where am I pointing?
Greg Laurie talked about how we have normal and conditioned reflexes to fear and worry in his daily devotion this week. A conditioned reflex is something you learn or teach yourself to do through repetition until it comes naturally. When fears arise, does it produce worry or send me to the feet of Jesus in prayer? I loved the thought of making this a conditioned reflex in my life. That my natural reaction to fear becomes prayer. I long for my kids to learn this practice at a young age. It reminds of the song, "what a friend we have in Jesus". "...oh what peace we often forfeit. Oh what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer."
I can carry the burden of my fear, or I can take it to God and experience the peace that He holds me even when my fears become a reality. I want to choose that! Every time.
I've been given a stark reminder that we have no idea how much time we have on earth. With that in mind, may it change my walk, and the way I love my Lord, my husband, and love my children. My time with them is short. Maybe shorter than I had planned. Maybe not, but thank you, God, for the reminder.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
That you may overflow with HOPE...
This is long overdue.
July was a real game changer with bad scans showing the spread of cancer in my brain. At the time we were watching my sweet cousin bravely battle his brain tumor. I was not feeling the bravery he displayed. It was a huge blow to have the Tarceva stop working so quickly. I had high hopes in that treatment.
We hit the year mark of my diagnoses early this month. It was very surreal to live out that week and reflect on what that week was like last year. I think the Christmas season will always bring a pang of the blow of that time.
I've also been reflecting on the changes in my expectations. My desire is still the same: healing. But living with cancer for years wouldn't be horrible either. I'll be honest, I want it gone. The worry, the fear, the scans, the pokes, the poison, the sickness, the tears. But I'm learning to be grateful. I'm grateful this horrible treatment has stalled the cancers growth, I'm grateful the coughing has lessened and I'm grateful that I get to celebrate another Christmas with my kids and my sweetie. Another year of memories to give them. And yes, I had another year with hair.
I didn't think I cared about that part but I do. That's the honest answer. It's really nice to go places and fake good health. I have also realized how beautiful it is for my kids to forget it at times and see me "looking healthy".
"Hope" has been our theme through this year. That word has changed for me in these 12 months. It means even more now. Romans 15:13 has been our close companion of strength and comfort. "May the God of all HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in him so that you may overflow with HOPE through the power of the Holy Spirit." I have always loved the word overflow in this version of the verse. It indicates that The Lord gives more than the just enough, he gives us an excessive amount of it. So much that it overflows.
My hope was in my healing. And I still hope and pray for that. But my hope is in something more. My hope is in heaven, and that God has eternal good to bring from my suffering and that of my
family's. I see a lot of good in my healing. But God see's the big picture. The good I see is temporal
but the good He see's is eternal. I may never see that good this side of heaven but trust that he has it covered. It's never been so hard to trust, but trust, I will!
God blessed us with good scans this week. It was beautiful to have this gift right before Christmas. To lay aside the fear for a little bit. The growth that the July scan showed has not recovered but the continued growth that each scan was showing stopped. Who knows for how long, but today, I'm grateful.
I'm also grateful for the precious man God gave me to love, and to love me. I get grumpy and tired, but he tirelessly steps in and lightens my load without complaint. We didn't sign up for this but when Lewis promised "in sickness and in health" ten years ago to God and me, he meant it. And he shows me everyday. He is a beautiful picture of what for better or for worse looks like. This year has been rough and HARD, it has been a year of growing. Growing closer to each other and closer to our Lord. The best part of my day is when we get to sit in front of the fire together with our cup of tea and our devotions, sharing our favorites with each other. I love this man, and pray for years with him.
My WBC is still not in a good place. They decided to treat me this week anyways in hopes that it will start going back up since we dropped the Carboplatin. Please keep us in your prayers for this and join us as we thank God for the good health he's given me in spite of my compromised immune system. It is simply by the grace of God that I haven't been sick yet. Another item of gratefullness.
We wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and hope that you are struck this year by the miracle of God's grace and beauty of his love for you.
July was a real game changer with bad scans showing the spread of cancer in my brain. At the time we were watching my sweet cousin bravely battle his brain tumor. I was not feeling the bravery he displayed. It was a huge blow to have the Tarceva stop working so quickly. I had high hopes in that treatment.
We hit the year mark of my diagnoses early this month. It was very surreal to live out that week and reflect on what that week was like last year. I think the Christmas season will always bring a pang of the blow of that time.
I've also been reflecting on the changes in my expectations. My desire is still the same: healing. But living with cancer for years wouldn't be horrible either. I'll be honest, I want it gone. The worry, the fear, the scans, the pokes, the poison, the sickness, the tears. But I'm learning to be grateful. I'm grateful this horrible treatment has stalled the cancers growth, I'm grateful the coughing has lessened and I'm grateful that I get to celebrate another Christmas with my kids and my sweetie. Another year of memories to give them. And yes, I had another year with hair.
I didn't think I cared about that part but I do. That's the honest answer. It's really nice to go places and fake good health. I have also realized how beautiful it is for my kids to forget it at times and see me "looking healthy".
"Hope" has been our theme through this year. That word has changed for me in these 12 months. It means even more now. Romans 15:13 has been our close companion of strength and comfort. "May the God of all HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in him so that you may overflow with HOPE through the power of the Holy Spirit." I have always loved the word overflow in this version of the verse. It indicates that The Lord gives more than the just enough, he gives us an excessive amount of it. So much that it overflows.
My hope was in my healing. And I still hope and pray for that. But my hope is in something more. My hope is in heaven, and that God has eternal good to bring from my suffering and that of my
family's. I see a lot of good in my healing. But God see's the big picture. The good I see is temporal
but the good He see's is eternal. I may never see that good this side of heaven but trust that he has it covered. It's never been so hard to trust, but trust, I will!
God blessed us with good scans this week. It was beautiful to have this gift right before Christmas. To lay aside the fear for a little bit. The growth that the July scan showed has not recovered but the continued growth that each scan was showing stopped. Who knows for how long, but today, I'm grateful.
I'm also grateful for the precious man God gave me to love, and to love me. I get grumpy and tired, but he tirelessly steps in and lightens my load without complaint. We didn't sign up for this but when Lewis promised "in sickness and in health" ten years ago to God and me, he meant it. And he shows me everyday. He is a beautiful picture of what for better or for worse looks like. This year has been rough and HARD, it has been a year of growing. Growing closer to each other and closer to our Lord. The best part of my day is when we get to sit in front of the fire together with our cup of tea and our devotions, sharing our favorites with each other. I love this man, and pray for years with him.
My WBC is still not in a good place. They decided to treat me this week anyways in hopes that it will start going back up since we dropped the Carboplatin. Please keep us in your prayers for this and join us as we thank God for the good health he's given me in spite of my compromised immune system. It is simply by the grace of God that I haven't been sick yet. Another item of gratefullness.
We wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and hope that you are struck this year by the miracle of God's grace and beauty of his love for you.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Raw thoughts on Birthday # 35
Here I am, the eve of my 35th birthday, and gearing up for my second cycle of chemo. Having positive thoughts about it being better than last time but also planning for a good week of feeling crummy and afternoon naps the week beyond that. The little bit of energy I have I anticipate putting into homeschooling the kids, which I love. But it cuts into spending time with my sweet friends that carry me through with cleaning my house, cooking Kerri-friendly-meals, organic produce runs, watching my kids, and anything else my heart desires or needs, they are there. Thanks dear friends and family. What would I do without you? I'm emotional tonight as I know we are going into another season of me being " in need". This morning I had to push down the feelings of mourning what is gone and will never be so that I could take my kids to their co-op. I know I'm missing out on so much... And I'm missing it.
I'm begging God for more time and that this chemo is healing the cancer that is ravaging my body. I don't want to go to Stanford tomorrow. I want to be with my kids, my family, eating chips and salsa at Chevys like we normally do. I wonder if this is my last birthday with them... Please God, give me more time with them, each day is a gift. I recognize it fully and cherish each moment. I can't believe we are living this nightmare. Is this real?
The tears won't stop. With chemo came the emotional flood of tears at the drop of a hat. I'm good though... The depression I felt when we first heard that there are many brain mets is gone. (Thank you, Lord!) but the tears come quickly. Emotians are raw, but I feel held carefully in Gods mighty hands. Lovingly held. Because I am.
There has been sermon after sermon, and devo after devo that has felt just for me. One of the sermons talked about God "sitting" on his throne. Sitting, not pacing because he has it all under control. He isn't anxious or worried, stressed, or nervous, He's in control and unnerved. I can rest in that.
This may be my last birthday... But I can rest in that too. Because He's in control. I beg Him for more... But also trust His will. Because He is good. No matter what... HE... IS... GOOD! Do you believer that? I do. With tears streaming down my face, and agony in my heart... I believe it! HE IS GOOD!
I'm begging God for more time and that this chemo is healing the cancer that is ravaging my body. I don't want to go to Stanford tomorrow. I want to be with my kids, my family, eating chips and salsa at Chevys like we normally do. I wonder if this is my last birthday with them... Please God, give me more time with them, each day is a gift. I recognize it fully and cherish each moment. I can't believe we are living this nightmare. Is this real?
The tears won't stop. With chemo came the emotional flood of tears at the drop of a hat. I'm good though... The depression I felt when we first heard that there are many brain mets is gone. (Thank you, Lord!) but the tears come quickly. Emotians are raw, but I feel held carefully in Gods mighty hands. Lovingly held. Because I am.
There has been sermon after sermon, and devo after devo that has felt just for me. One of the sermons talked about God "sitting" on his throne. Sitting, not pacing because he has it all under control. He isn't anxious or worried, stressed, or nervous, He's in control and unnerved. I can rest in that.
This may be my last birthday... But I can rest in that too. Because He's in control. I beg Him for more... But also trust His will. Because He is good. No matter what... HE... IS... GOOD! Do you believer that? I do. With tears streaming down my face, and agony in my heart... I believe it! HE IS GOOD!
Saturday, August 23, 2014
"For her strength and encouragement"
It's been a long time since I've posted. Longer then I intended. I've thought of it many times but was a little afraid of what I would be post.
These past 4 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. My emotions have been very raw. I think our whole family has been a bit depressed. I've been a bit "Cancer Cranky". Although life has not suddenly gotten rosy, I feel like I am in a place where I can post a sincere update with some discernment. :-)
The last scans were not good. To be honest, I was shocked! I felt so good. How could things not be good? But they weren't. The quick Dr. visit before my infusion turned into hours.
The lung tumor had a slight increase in growth. (We're talking mm.) everything else was stable and the liver even showed a reduction in tumor size, but the problem was that there were more brain mets. I tried to take it stoically but I was rattled to my core.
When Dr. Neal came in he gave both me and Lewis big hugs and said he was so sorry. He was surprised too, I think. He's really rooting for me, and spent a long time talking with us and even crying with us. I asked him how he deals with such pain each day? He admitted that he holds his kids a little tighter and cherishes his wife a bit more, and that it's hard. I'm so grateful for the guidance of God in handing us over to this Doctor who truly cares. I think I realized it for the first time this day. He was even reminding ME that I had told him where my hope lies. It was convicting, and beautiful, to have this reminder that God, holds me still, from my, oncologist.
They talked about cyber knife, and a clinical trial, and got me into the radiologist next door immediately. Dr. Gibbs, The radiologist said that I would also be seeing a neurosurgeon as they like to work together when dealing with the brain. Before anything was decided though she wanted to talk this over with the tumor board on Friday because there were a few spots that were not very solid looking, and questionable if they are more mets or not. She would call me and let me know how we were going to preceded.
I wasn't thrilled about radiation but thought cyber knife sounding better than full brain radiation
and losing my hair.
Lewis and I drove home stunned and teary. Things can sure change rather quickly. And they did.
The next day was our 10 year Anniversary. I couldn't stop crying long enough to even put make up on. We cancelled our dinner plans. Neither of us felt much like celebrating. I felt like I was back at that diagnoses week again, but worse. I knew now, a little bit more; most people diagnosed with what I have live around a year in a half. I was hopeful I would break that statistic and this news felt like doom on that dream.
The next day I had planned to go to the homeschool convention with my cousin, Summur, and
decided that's just what I needed so I didn't change those plans. It was just what I needed.
This was Friday, the day I was to get "the call". It came while I was still at the convention. Dr.
Gibbs must have called the minute the tumor board meeting was over. She said there were more brain mets than they thought. To many to cyber knife. Full brain radiation was the suggestion. But my Onc, Dr. Neal had plans of postponing that as far into the future as he could. He suggested the pulse dose of Tarceva; take a full weeks worth on one day and then do the same the the following weeks. This helps the Tarceva get into the brain better and hopefully will help control those brain mets.
The convention was over for me at that point. All of a sudden I was very tired. Summur and I finished up and headed out.
The first week of the pulse dose wasn't so bad so they upped it to 900 mg. I started feeling pretty crummy Tuesday-Friday, and the cough came back after about a week of starting this pulse dose. I'm not a huge fan of how this pulse dose makes me feel but if it's working it's totally worth it.
Fast forward now to yesterday. Lewie and I went to Stanford to talk treatment options with Dr. Neal. In the mean time I started looking at many options other than conventional, and praying for wisdom and direction. We had some life changing decisions to make, but I wasn't worried. I felt resolutely that God would make the decision clear. As we arrived at the Cancer Center I told Lewis that I felt at Peace. I also felt very neutral on each option laid before us.
We discussed various treatments and possible reasons for the cough returning. Dr. Neal felt Chemo was the next best option but also knew that I had made it no secret about my dislike of that plan. As we talked about the options, he proposed that we continue with the pulse dose for the next
two weeks and then scan everything again. Depending on what the scan reveals, we either continue
with the pulse dose or begin Chemo, THAT DAY! We discussed many thing and many options. This option seemed very clear to me. This is what I picked. And I'm at peace. So chemo is scheduled for September 3, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need it with the way I'm feeling.
Although we have somewhat of a plan, when you're living with Cancer, a lot can change in 2 weeks. I'm learning that the only plan is to take one day at a time. Not to look to far into the future or try to guess what's in it. The plan is to live. Live today. Tomorrow may be a different story, but we have today. So don't think to much on tomorrow. Being a "planner" this is not an easy lesson I'm
learning. I like to know what's coming. Maybe this time, it's best I don't know.
Daily I have to give the day to God, and purposefully choose to be grateful for it. When I wake up I lay there and make the choice , or don't, those aren't very good days. The "don't" days. The "good choice" days aren't full of happiness and giggles though. They have lots of tears too, but also hope, strength, and beautiful peace.
God has orchestrated and organized so many things in my life with out my worrying and stressing about it. School this year was heavy on my heart the day we got the bad scan. Before that, I
felt like I would feel up to teaching, but now the coming weeks and months were completely uncertain and unpredictable. The original plan had to change but the details fell into place beautifully. I felt again the clear direction to home school our kids this coming year. God made it possible and He will make it successful. He is so faithful! I think I'm going to still get to be part of this school year, but if I'm unable, school will go on. Although I don't know what's coming (chemo or not, how sick I'll be...etc.) He does, and He's already on it, making provision.
I like to choose a theme verse for our school year. This year I chose Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Fear not! Why? Because I, your God, AM WITH YOU! Not just with you, but will HELP you and will STRENGTHEN you.
Someone prayed for me this week and the prayer touched me deeply. Miraculous Healing was on the list, but my favorite was "for her strength and encouragement". I have been at a loss in the past weeks how to answer when asked " how can I specifically pray for you?". I feel tongue tied. There is so much and yet I can't zero in on one thing. This should be my answer, "for my strength and encouragement". Because this isn't something you get, and then have to keep. Every day requires a new dose of it.
My sister, Tena gave me a necklace last week with 2 Timothy 4:17 "but The Lord stood with me, and gave me strength." That's all that's on the necklace but the verse goes on to say, "so that the message might be preached fully through me..." I love the necklace, and it reminds me of whom my strength is in, but when I read the whole verse I remembered also why God gives it. Because I still have a job to do, a purpose. He's not through with me yet. So please pray for my strength, and my encouragement, so that the message might be preached fully through me.
These past 4 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. My emotions have been very raw. I think our whole family has been a bit depressed. I've been a bit "Cancer Cranky". Although life has not suddenly gotten rosy, I feel like I am in a place where I can post a sincere update with some discernment. :-)
The last scans were not good. To be honest, I was shocked! I felt so good. How could things not be good? But they weren't. The quick Dr. visit before my infusion turned into hours.
The lung tumor had a slight increase in growth. (We're talking mm.) everything else was stable and the liver even showed a reduction in tumor size, but the problem was that there were more brain mets. I tried to take it stoically but I was rattled to my core.
When Dr. Neal came in he gave both me and Lewis big hugs and said he was so sorry. He was surprised too, I think. He's really rooting for me, and spent a long time talking with us and even crying with us. I asked him how he deals with such pain each day? He admitted that he holds his kids a little tighter and cherishes his wife a bit more, and that it's hard. I'm so grateful for the guidance of God in handing us over to this Doctor who truly cares. I think I realized it for the first time this day. He was even reminding ME that I had told him where my hope lies. It was convicting, and beautiful, to have this reminder that God, holds me still, from my, oncologist.
They talked about cyber knife, and a clinical trial, and got me into the radiologist next door immediately. Dr. Gibbs, The radiologist said that I would also be seeing a neurosurgeon as they like to work together when dealing with the brain. Before anything was decided though she wanted to talk this over with the tumor board on Friday because there were a few spots that were not very solid looking, and questionable if they are more mets or not. She would call me and let me know how we were going to preceded.
I wasn't thrilled about radiation but thought cyber knife sounding better than full brain radiation
and losing my hair.
Lewis and I drove home stunned and teary. Things can sure change rather quickly. And they did.
The next day was our 10 year Anniversary. I couldn't stop crying long enough to even put make up on. We cancelled our dinner plans. Neither of us felt much like celebrating. I felt like I was back at that diagnoses week again, but worse. I knew now, a little bit more; most people diagnosed with what I have live around a year in a half. I was hopeful I would break that statistic and this news felt like doom on that dream.
The next day I had planned to go to the homeschool convention with my cousin, Summur, and
decided that's just what I needed so I didn't change those plans. It was just what I needed.
This was Friday, the day I was to get "the call". It came while I was still at the convention. Dr.
Gibbs must have called the minute the tumor board meeting was over. She said there were more brain mets than they thought. To many to cyber knife. Full brain radiation was the suggestion. But my Onc, Dr. Neal had plans of postponing that as far into the future as he could. He suggested the pulse dose of Tarceva; take a full weeks worth on one day and then do the same the the following weeks. This helps the Tarceva get into the brain better and hopefully will help control those brain mets.
The convention was over for me at that point. All of a sudden I was very tired. Summur and I finished up and headed out.
The first week of the pulse dose wasn't so bad so they upped it to 900 mg. I started feeling pretty crummy Tuesday-Friday, and the cough came back after about a week of starting this pulse dose. I'm not a huge fan of how this pulse dose makes me feel but if it's working it's totally worth it.
Fast forward now to yesterday. Lewie and I went to Stanford to talk treatment options with Dr. Neal. In the mean time I started looking at many options other than conventional, and praying for wisdom and direction. We had some life changing decisions to make, but I wasn't worried. I felt resolutely that God would make the decision clear. As we arrived at the Cancer Center I told Lewis that I felt at Peace. I also felt very neutral on each option laid before us.
We discussed various treatments and possible reasons for the cough returning. Dr. Neal felt Chemo was the next best option but also knew that I had made it no secret about my dislike of that plan. As we talked about the options, he proposed that we continue with the pulse dose for the next
two weeks and then scan everything again. Depending on what the scan reveals, we either continue
with the pulse dose or begin Chemo, THAT DAY! We discussed many thing and many options. This option seemed very clear to me. This is what I picked. And I'm at peace. So chemo is scheduled for September 3, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need it with the way I'm feeling.
Although we have somewhat of a plan, when you're living with Cancer, a lot can change in 2 weeks. I'm learning that the only plan is to take one day at a time. Not to look to far into the future or try to guess what's in it. The plan is to live. Live today. Tomorrow may be a different story, but we have today. So don't think to much on tomorrow. Being a "planner" this is not an easy lesson I'm
learning. I like to know what's coming. Maybe this time, it's best I don't know.
Daily I have to give the day to God, and purposefully choose to be grateful for it. When I wake up I lay there and make the choice , or don't, those aren't very good days. The "don't" days. The "good choice" days aren't full of happiness and giggles though. They have lots of tears too, but also hope, strength, and beautiful peace.
God has orchestrated and organized so many things in my life with out my worrying and stressing about it. School this year was heavy on my heart the day we got the bad scan. Before that, I
felt like I would feel up to teaching, but now the coming weeks and months were completely uncertain and unpredictable. The original plan had to change but the details fell into place beautifully. I felt again the clear direction to home school our kids this coming year. God made it possible and He will make it successful. He is so faithful! I think I'm going to still get to be part of this school year, but if I'm unable, school will go on. Although I don't know what's coming (chemo or not, how sick I'll be...etc.) He does, and He's already on it, making provision.
I like to choose a theme verse for our school year. This year I chose Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Fear not! Why? Because I, your God, AM WITH YOU! Not just with you, but will HELP you and will STRENGTHEN you.
Someone prayed for me this week and the prayer touched me deeply. Miraculous Healing was on the list, but my favorite was "for her strength and encouragement". I have been at a loss in the past weeks how to answer when asked " how can I specifically pray for you?". I feel tongue tied. There is so much and yet I can't zero in on one thing. This should be my answer, "for my strength and encouragement". Because this isn't something you get, and then have to keep. Every day requires a new dose of it.
My sister, Tena gave me a necklace last week with 2 Timothy 4:17 "but The Lord stood with me, and gave me strength." That's all that's on the necklace but the verse goes on to say, "so that the message might be preached fully through me..." I love the necklace, and it reminds me of whom my strength is in, but when I read the whole verse I remembered also why God gives it. Because I still have a job to do, a purpose. He's not through with me yet. So please pray for my strength, and my encouragement, so that the message might be preached fully through me.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
PEACE
There have been many posts that I have penned in my head that never made it on here. I had that "feeling" again and decided to not let the moment pass this time.
I was reflecting on some scripture with Lewie, and thought it interesting that 7 months ago when this chapter in our life began, our word was HOPE. It still is, but unknowingly both Lewie, and I, are clinging to PEACE these days.
There was a theme in the scriptures we were sharing with each other, and PEACE is that theme. Not the word alone, or the world's idea of peace, but a peace that can only come from the hand of God. A peace that is only known when all around you the storm is pounding. That kind of peace.
Hope is tied into that peace. Without the Hope we have in Jesus, and His return to take us with him to heaven, what would be the point of all this? What would be the point of the pain, but what would be the point of even the laughter and joy?
I should share the scriptures with you.
I saw a plaque in my moms house with this written on it and keep going back to it.
1 Kings 8:56 "Blessed be The Lord, who has given rest (peace) to His people Isreal, according to all that He promised. There has not failed one word of all His good promises, which He promised through his servant Moses."
Not even one promise was failed to be kept by The Lord. Not one. I have been focusing heavily on His promises these past few weeks as the devil has been attacking my spirit. This has been a huge encouragement to me even as my heart is heavy and my eyes wet. There has not failed one of His good promises... Not one!
This is one of the things Lewis shared with me from Ephesians 3:14-21.
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives it name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in
your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And, I pray that you, being
rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the Lords holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge --- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Pain helps us grasp this love. It's weird that in our darkest time we feel that love the most deeply. I love the part, "that you may be filled to the measure with all the fullness of God". Filled. And filled to fullness. ALL the fullness of God. All of it! Wow! Beautiful.
Peace was what sent Lewis to Ephesians when he found these gems. Ephesians has beautiful promises about the peace that God provides.
I was reflecting on some scripture with Lewie, and thought it interesting that 7 months ago when this chapter in our life began, our word was HOPE. It still is, but unknowingly both Lewie, and I, are clinging to PEACE these days.
There was a theme in the scriptures we were sharing with each other, and PEACE is that theme. Not the word alone, or the world's idea of peace, but a peace that can only come from the hand of God. A peace that is only known when all around you the storm is pounding. That kind of peace.
Hope is tied into that peace. Without the Hope we have in Jesus, and His return to take us with him to heaven, what would be the point of all this? What would be the point of the pain, but what would be the point of even the laughter and joy?
I should share the scriptures with you.
I saw a plaque in my moms house with this written on it and keep going back to it.
1 Kings 8:56 "Blessed be The Lord, who has given rest (peace) to His people Isreal, according to all that He promised. There has not failed one word of all His good promises, which He promised through his servant Moses."
Not even one promise was failed to be kept by The Lord. Not one. I have been focusing heavily on His promises these past few weeks as the devil has been attacking my spirit. This has been a huge encouragement to me even as my heart is heavy and my eyes wet. There has not failed one of His good promises... Not one!
This is one of the things Lewis shared with me from Ephesians 3:14-21.
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives it name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in
your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And, I pray that you, being
rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the Lords holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge --- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Pain helps us grasp this love. It's weird that in our darkest time we feel that love the most deeply. I love the part, "that you may be filled to the measure with all the fullness of God". Filled. And filled to fullness. ALL the fullness of God. All of it! Wow! Beautiful.
Peace was what sent Lewis to Ephesians when he found these gems. Ephesians has beautiful promises about the peace that God provides.
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