The Franz post

I've had so many blog posts started in my head. Now that I have a quiet house  I don't know what direction to go...
       I'm going to go with the one about my conversation with Pastor Franz the week before he went to be with Jesus.
   Meeting Franz changed Lewie's and my life. I'm sure I'm not alone in that statement, because he was the kind of man who saw what people needed to have spoken to them and wasn't afraid to say it. I left every conversation with Franz hugely encouraged , and that last one was the icing on the cake. When I saw the call from him coming through, I rushed to get things quiet before I answered. When I finally did I couldn't hold the tears in, I just wept while he gave me his typical Franz encouragement  through his strained voice.
   It was like no other conversation I had ever had. It was a conversation from a dying man to a dying woman. Not just that, but from a dying man who had great conviction in his God, that led to a great confidence, which led to a great comfort. Franz had taught us about this, but he was living it. He didn't just  tell you how you should trust God, he showed you.
   That was the tone the conversation took. Two dying souls reflecting on their , with great anticiaipation , eternal reward. It was the most beautiful conversation  and I was so privileged to have been a part of it. I still thank God for that priceless gift He gave me.
   I was glad to be able to share  with Franz how blessed Lewis and I had been by his "Oh Lord" sermon from Psalm 86, where Franz shared about King David's deep conviction in who God is,  which gave David  great confidence in his God, which led to a great comfort. The deep conviction I
have in God, in who He is and who He will faithfully continue to be for me, for Lewis, and our
children.  I have a great confidence that He is for me and He is for them, and this gives me a great comfort.
   That conviction and confidence I have in my Lord,  gives me comfort in that He will be with them
when I cannot. I think that's the hardest part for me, I won't b able to hold them when this saddens
hits their life. But God will. I cling to that because I know it's truth. He can use this very thing that at the beginning,  I worried would turn them away from God, and He can make it the very thing that solidifys their devotion to Him.  When that worry crosses my mind He has been so faithful to replace it with this truth. I don't know how my kids will respond to God when He takes me, but I know I can trust that He is for them. He has also given me 2 years, 9 month and counting to share my convictions
and confidences about the God I serve, with them along, with the comfort that that brings me and can
bring them. The Lord has given us time to say a long good bye.
   Things got pretty bad in June, July, and August,  so much though that I had shared with Franz that I was asking God to please just take me, but would end with, "No Lord, your timing, You're will, not
mine."  And with Gods help,  I meant that. Even though I so wanted to be done with this fight. I wanted His timing more.
    Franz left me with a couple more gifts before we hung up.  he asked me, "what will you be able to do in heaven that you can't do here on earth?"  "You will walk by sight!"   I won't need to ask God allowed

my questions.  The moment I arrive in heaven they will all be answered because I will be walking by
sight . Praise God!   There will be no need to ask God, " why ?" and " what was this for?" I  will already know.
     As the conversation began drawing to a close, Franz quoted from Psalm 116 for me. we were on the phone so he could have read it. but I'm confident that it was one that he had memorized and was holding   to, as I am know.

Psalm 116
1. I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and
   My supplications.
2. Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will upon Him as long as I live.
3. The pains of death encompassed me,
And the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me;
4.  Then I called upon the name of the  Lord:
"O Lord ,  I implore You, deliver my soul!"
5.  Gracious is the Lord, and righteous:
Yes, our Lord is merciful.
6. The Lord preserves the simple;
I was brought low, and He saved me.
7.  Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
8.  For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,  and my feet from falling.
9.  I will walk before the Lord
In the land of the living.
10.  I believed, therefore I spoke,
"I am greatly afflicted."
11.  I said in my haste, "All men are liars."
12.  What shall I render to the Lord
For all His benefits towards me?
13. I will take up the cup of salvation,
And I will call on the name of the Lord.
14.  I will pay my vows to the Lord
Now in the presence of all His people.
15.  Precious in the sight of the Lord
Is the death of His saints.
(At this verse he paused and repeated this part to me several times, slowly, and stressing the "precious" a little more each time he read it. I felt God must have put this verse 15 there just for us dying souls)
16.  O Lord, truly I am your servant; I am Your servant, the son of your maidservant;
You have loosed my bonds.
17.  I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving,
And will call upon the name of the Lord.
18.  I will pay my vows to the Lord
Now in the presence of all His people,
19.   In the courts of the Lords,
In the midst of you, O Jeruselem.
Praise the Lord!

I was a weeping mess after this. Being terminally sick, the tears and sadness over leaving those He had given us to love was  constant, but so was our victory. He finished with a "Franz prayer". those of you that have experienced  this know exactly what I'm talking about. You feel brought into the closeness and  intimacy he and the Lord share.  It's very special, very humbling, very precious.
    I didn't know it would be the last time we would speak here on earth. I  was counting on seeing him at our kids first days of school the following week, and had been praying we would both feel up to being there. The  Lord had other plans. Franz is now living by sight. With tears,  I am looking forward to our heavenly reunion, where there won't be any. Praise the Lord!

Still Battling

   It's definitly time for a current picture. I just love looking at this one though. It marks the beginning of our hard battle and reminds how devastated I was at the "terminal" news, and yet we are still battling.
    It's been a rough couple of weeks. Immunotherepy knocked me off of my feet pretty hard. after dealing with quite bit of pain (and a lot of narcotics) for about a week I ended with some strange neurological symptoms and ended up in the Stanford ER. They kept me overnight and got me an emergency MRI which revealed new spots on the brain. The verdict: Full Brain radiation.
   They were trying to put that off for as long as possible but the time for it has come.  The good news is that from here on out, I have a great excuse for forgetting dates and names, and talking like I don't have a brain in my head. It's perfect! If all my cognitive skills come back I'm totally going to fake it so no one knows. :)  
 Radiation is suppossed to start next week. I don't have it all scheduled yet which makes me a bit anxious,but it gives me some practice in my trusting God skills. He has ALWAYS worked out the details and so far, He is still right on the money. He shows me again and again that the worry was for nothing because He's holding every detail in His capable hands.
   We are postponing the immunotherapy until after radiation. my Dr. decided to have mercy on me, and I'm so grateful.
   Thank you so much for the many ways many of you have shown us love. We are so grateful for the prayers and the ways you let us know that you are praying for us. Every card is precious to me and brings me quiet smiles and tears. My prayer has been asking for God's will to be done in our life, and someday my death. also asking for His help in trully wanting that, no mater what His will is. It's a hard prayer but also brings me to a beautiful and intimate place with the LORD. It helps give me great conviction in God's love and plan for me, and great confidence that no matter the outcome, He will walk with us along the way, and that gives me great comfort.

Immunotherapy

We weren't able to get a good reading on my blood biopsy and I no longer have a tumor large enough to biopsy for a tissue biopsy so the next EGFR inhibitor is a no go for now. It was news to me that we had shrunk everything so much, so that part was fun info., but even with that I was starting to feel some pain and getting more off balance so my drs. decided to move on a new treatment. Immunotherapy . I've been excited to try this option and the timing seems good for it, so here we go. I'm having my first, of hopefully many, infusions now. If all go well the side effects should be minimal. His will be done!

Treatment Changes for 2016

Firstly, thank you everyone for your faithful prayers that have continued to carry us through and gives us strength. we feel your prayers everyday as we struggle through new challenges on every turn. 2016 brings me into my third year of living with stage 4 cancer. i can hardly believe so much time has passed and I thank God with a grateful heart for the time he has graciously given me.
     We knew a change was coming. To be honest, I was kinda hoping it would. I'm SO very over the whole chemo thing. The hard thing about wanting a change is wondering if I should be careful what I wish for. Is the "new" going to be worse than what I had? Or, will it even work? I'm still wondering these things, but the change wasn't my choice or because I wished for it.
    The future is unknown to me but not to the Lord. His love is perfect and so I don't need to fear the future. I think, "Yeah, but I could still die. My kids could be without a mom. Lewie could be going it alone. How will they recover from the pain of that?" I still go through these questions, almost daily, but I'm also reminded daily of how perfect His love is, and why that love casts out fear, even though our fears can become reality. His love is perfect! We can't understand perfect, but that means that that kind of love is seeking our ultimate best. Which we can have confidence that we will see. It's just hard and painful to wait for that, and while we wait it's tempting to grow discouraged and take our eyes off of the One who's love is so perfect. I've realized how like an Israelite I am; forgetting that I am loved in this way, and having to be reminded again. It doesn't take living with cancer to put one through this cycle. However, for me, it took living with cancer to give me a greater glimpse of how deeply I am loved and held. I have never been more confident of this perfect love as I am now. This knowledge helps in my battle with the fears.
             Okay, but the change. So, I had scans this week and they showed the same gradual progression of the cancer growing that the last few scan have shown. The brain metastases have however been stable, until this scan, so we opted to put off the change in treatment, but my labs started showing a decrease in my kidney function in December as well as some possible spots on my kidneys. In January I started having kidney pain and it has increased over the month. The kidney function issue is probably a combination of the chemo, and a tiny tumor that is pressing on an artery. Time to work on shrinking that, bad boy! So, we are bringing the Tarceva back in and I'm taking that along with Avastin .
      Tarceva is a targeting therepy pill specifically for those with EGFR mutation. I was on it in the
beginning, but it only worked for 7 months. It's likely to work again since I've been off of it for so long. They are keeping me on the Avastin, which is a Chemo I get infused with every 4 weeks, and it doesn't make me sick. The Tarceva made me very tired last time, but the chemo has wiped me out so I'm hoping I wont notice that too much. Also, a rash on my face and back, thinning hair, and anorexia... I'm not looking forward to all this but I'm hoping I'll feel better then I have been on the chemo, and that it works.
    There is a new EGFR inhibitor that has just been FDA approved that I could go on and I think it has less side effects. They took a blood biopsy to see if I qualify for it. This blood biopsy is new thing for them and pretty cool to have avoided the tumor biopsy, for now. We'll have those results in about 2 weeks, and if I test positive they will switch me from the Tarceva to Tagrisso (The NEW lateset and greatest).
    They are still scanning me every 2 month and keeping a close eye on some new shading in the brain that could be new metastases.  Full brain radiation may be getting closer. I hope not but if the brain metastases are eliminated, then I can qualify for a clinical trial. there are also other Chemo's they can try. I still have a few options left and hopefully when they run out there will be new ones available.
     In the mean time, I cling to God's promises, and His faithfulness to keep every single one. I am comforted that heaven is waiting for us at the end of all this struggling. That anticipation is becoming ever sweeter. Until then, we plod on taking one day at a time...

Bedtime prayers

     Post chemo I'm always a bit teary.  Today I was "touched" quite a bit. This morning I introduced my kids to the hymn, "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus", We weren't even
through the first verse and Alton had his head down in tears. "Alton, what's wrong?" I asked. "This song reminds me of your cancer" he wailed. We plodded through the song but I almost joined Alton when we hit the last line of the last verse, "...And I know that Thou art with me, wilt be with me to the end." I confessed to Alton that the song reminds me of my cancer too, and especiallly that I can trust Jesus through it. I hope they learn the sweetness of trusting Jesus through suffering. I think they are. I think we are learning it together.
     Carter then asked me if I ever cry about having cancer. He was surprised when I told him I do quite a bit. I was surprised he didn't know that. Alton and I have had several cry fests together. Those sweet little loves completely undo me.
     Tonight was the first night in awhile that I felt well enough, and not to tired, to tuck them in and say prayers with them. Alton, sweet little love, "I love you, mommy. I wish you didn't have cancer. We are praying a lot." I don't deserve these little loves, but I'm so blessed they call ME mommy. His prayer was precious. Of course he prayed for my cancer to go away "and never come back, so that mommy can be on this earth with us for a very long time." He included his two other "regulars" and lovingly prayed that they wouldn't have pain, and for comfort.
     Carter was next. I was a puddle by the end of his prayer. He prayers every angle, for the cancer to go away, never come back, but if it does come back, not for a long time, and if you don't take the cancer away, help Mama to live for a long long time, so she can be with us. He prayed for others he knew were struggling with pain or suffering and then for anyone suffering that he's not aware of to pray for, he then prays. Then he moves on to the kids who don't have a mom or dad, or home, or food, or toys, that God would take care of them.
     This completely touched my heart. The prayer of this little boy for others, hurting others, hurting others that he knew and didn't know. I love his heart. I wonder how God is going to use him. How
will he mold that love for the hurting. Ah, bedtime prayers.... I love them! So yes, it's a predictable
teary time, but today was a doozy. I blame those little loves that call me Mom.

Scan week

There is so much that should be said that I too often neglect to say. Going back to my last scan is a good starting off point for this post. It was the first scan that there was not the "struggle" for peace. It seemed just there. I was calm and reading my book while my precious husband sat jiggling his leg up and down.  We both knew that these appointments can be game changers. I kept schooling myself that a bad scan is just a change in course not necessarily bad news. Just a change. Just a change. I was resting in that. And I was comforted by that.
    The nurse came in with little info. But when Dr. Neal came in he was giddy with excitement. And announced that he had good news. Lewis immediely thought, " it's gone!" I was reveling in, "it's not bad news".
     He went on to explain that there seemed to be some minimal shrinking in the main tumor in the lung. Very minimal, but the BRIAN! THE BRAIN! This was the exciting part. Only two of the brain metastases were visible. Only TWO visible. The others seem to gone. That's not supposed to happen. But it did. Looks like full brain radiation is pushed back a little deeper into the future and I'm still praying NEVER. But praise God, I got more than good news. I got a miracle. And my doctor knows it too. Yes, I still have cancer, but all these small victories are answers to my "more time" plea to my Lord.
     I love these lines of JJ Hellers song, "I don't know what you're doing... But I know who YOU are." It always makes me teary. It's truth. I wonder what on earth is going on, everything seems so messed up. But that's when I focus on who HE is. He is the controller, holder, healer, helper, promise keeper, grace giver, and so much more. He is peace. He is the reason I was not afraid of even bad news. Because although I don't always understand what He's doing, I understand who He is and that He
loves me and that He will not stop caring for me.
     There was a lot of prayer wrapped up in that peace. My own and I don't even know how many others. But I know they were praying for peace specifically. And God gave it very specifically. Isn't it amazing that the Lord always does exactly what he says he will do?
      Earlier that day I joined the Lung Cancer Support Group at the urging of my Dr. I rolled my eyes at the thought but when I thought about it some more I had the feeling that it was something I should attend. Maybe I didn't need the group but someone there needed to hear my story. So I went and my sweet husband who wanted to go even less than I did came with. That precious man is always by my side.
     I met some great people and was peppered with questions. Finally this, "so you've been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, and you have a young family, but you have a positive attitude, how do you maintain that positive attitude amongst all that?" Well, here we go. I told the group that though my diagnoses rocked my world, it was because of my relationship with Jesus Christ, that my attitude is able to be positive.  I explained the peace He gives me, a peace that I am held, a peace that I have even with tears streaming down my face and my heart breaking into pieces. I told them that I know his heart is breaking too along with mine. But He also is calm because He knows the outcome and He has a plan. I told them I draw great comfort in the promise and anticipation of heaven and that one day, He will set all things right. I may have said more, I can't remember now. But I was surprised by a
few heads nodding in agreement with me. I wondered their stories and look forward to getting to know these people more. Afterwards, I talked to several of them for quite awhile and told the social worker that I would come back when my appointment aligned with group days. And I'm actually looking forward to that. May 6 is the next one I should be able to attend, Lord willing.
     I am praying that God will use me to point other hurting hearts to Him. He is the only comfort and so worthy of our trust.

"Be anxious for nothing, but... let your requests be made known to God."

   The topic of "fear" has come up a lot recently; in conversations, in my favorite daily devotion writers, as my kids contemplate which Disneyland rides they like, with old and young.  It's something we all deal with at varying degrees.

    My son, the worrier, will tell me about an ache or pain and ask, "is there such a thing as side cancer? Because my side really hurts." Or foot cancer, or tooth cancer... I'm seeing a trend as to where his mind is spent. Fretting over things he has no control over.  

    I hate that this is such a reality for him. My diagnoses and losing our TJ, has made this very real for him. It seems there is constantly a new person added to our prayer list because of the "C word". I hate this, and I'm grateful for this. Not for the fear but the opportunity it brings to learn, lean, teach, and model.  It gives me the chance to point him back to Christ when fears arise. It also reminds me that how I deal with my fear points him. Where am I pointing? 

   Greg Laurie talked about how we have normal and conditioned reflexes to fear and worry in his daily devotion this week. A conditioned reflex is something you learn or teach yourself to do through repetition until it comes naturally. When fears arise, does it produce worry or send me to the feet of Jesus in prayer? I loved the thought of making this a conditioned reflex in my life. That my natural reaction to fear becomes prayer. I long for my kids to learn this practice at a young age. It reminds of the song, "what a friend we have in Jesus". "...oh what peace we often forfeit. Oh what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer." 

     I can carry the burden of my fear, or I can take it to God and experience the peace that He holds me even when my fears become a reality. I want to choose that! Every time. 

    I've been given a stark reminder that we have no idea how much time we have on earth. With that in mind, may it change my walk, and the way I love my Lord, my husband, and love my children. My time with them is short. Maybe shorter than I had planned. Maybe not, but thank you, God, for the reminder. 

    

That you may overflow with HOPE...

This is long overdue.
    July was a real game changer with bad scans showing the spread of cancer in my brain. At the time  we were watching my sweet cousin bravely battle his brain tumor. I was not feeling the bravery he displayed.  It was a huge blow to have the Tarceva stop working so quickly. I had high hopes in that treatment.
    We hit the year mark of my diagnoses early this month. It was very surreal to live out that week and reflect on what that week was like last year. I think the Christmas season will always bring a pang of the blow of that time.
     I've also been reflecting on the changes in my expectations. My desire is still the same: healing. But living with cancer for years wouldn't be horrible either. I'll be honest, I want it gone. The worry, the fear, the scans, the pokes, the poison, the sickness, the tears. But I'm learning to be grateful. I'm grateful this horrible treatment has stalled the cancers growth, I'm grateful the coughing has lessened and I'm grateful that I get to celebrate another Christmas with my kids and my sweetie. Another year of memories to give them. And yes, I had another year with hair.
    I didn't think I cared about that part but I do. That's the honest answer. It's really nice to go places and fake good health. I have also realized how beautiful it is for my kids to forget it at times and see me "looking healthy".
     "Hope" has been our theme through this year. That word has changed for me in these 12 months. It means even more now. Romans 15:13 has been our close companion of strength and comfort. "May the God of all HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in him so that you may overflow with HOPE through the power of the Holy Spirit." I have always loved the word overflow in this version of the verse. It indicates that The Lord gives more than the just enough, he gives us an excessive amount of it. So much that it overflows.
     My hope was in my healing. And I still hope and pray for that. But my hope is in something more. My hope is in heaven, and that God has eternal good to bring from my suffering and that of my
family's. I see a lot of good in my healing. But God see's the big picture. The good I see is temporal
but the good He see's is eternal. I may never see that good this side of heaven but trust that he has it covered. It's never been so hard to trust, but trust, I will!
      God blessed us with good scans this week. It was beautiful to have this gift right before Christmas. To lay aside the fear for a little bit. The growth that the July scan showed has not recovered but the continued growth that each scan was showing stopped. Who knows for how long, but today, I'm grateful.
       I'm also grateful for the precious man God gave me to love, and to love me.  I get grumpy and tired, but he tirelessly steps in and lightens my load without complaint.  We didn't sign up for this but when Lewis promised "in sickness and in health" ten years ago to God and me, he meant it. And he shows me everyday. He is a beautiful picture of what for better or for worse looks like. This year has been rough and HARD, it has been a year of growing. Growing closer to each other and closer to our Lord. The best part of my day is when we get to sit in front of the fire together with our cup of tea and our devotions, sharing our favorites with each other. I love this man, and pray for years with him.
       My WBC is still not in a good place. They decided to treat me this week anyways in hopes that it will start going back up since we dropped the Carboplatin. Please keep us in your prayers for this and join us as we thank God for the good health he's given me in spite of my compromised immune system. It is simply by the grace of God that I haven't been sick yet. Another item of gratefullness.
    We wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and hope that you are struck this year by the miracle of God's grace and beauty of his love for you.

Raw thoughts on Birthday # 35

Here I am, the eve of my 35th birthday, and gearing up for my second cycle of chemo. Having positive thoughts about it being better than last time but also planning for a good week of feeling crummy and afternoon naps the week beyond that. The little bit of energy I have I anticipate putting into homeschooling the kids, which I love. But it cuts into spending time with my sweet friends that carry me through with cleaning my house, cooking Kerri-friendly-meals, organic produce runs, watching my kids, and anything else my heart desires or needs, they are there. Thanks dear friends and family. What would I do without you? I'm emotional tonight as I know we are going into another season of me being " in need". This morning I had to push down the feelings of mourning what is gone and will never be so that I could take my kids to their co-op.  I know I'm missing out on so much... And I'm missing it.
     I'm begging God for more time and that this chemo is healing the cancer that is ravaging my body. I don't want to go to Stanford tomorrow. I want to be with my kids, my family, eating chips and salsa at Chevys like we normally do. I wonder if this is my last birthday with them... Please God, give me more time with them, each day is a gift. I recognize it fully and cherish each moment. I can't believe we are living this nightmare. Is this real?
     The tears won't stop. With chemo came the emotional flood of tears at the drop of a hat.  I'm good though... The depression I felt when we first heard that there are many brain mets is gone. (Thank you, Lord!) but the tears come quickly. Emotians are raw, but I feel held carefully in Gods mighty hands. Lovingly held.  Because I am.
    There has been sermon after sermon, and devo after devo that has felt just for me. One of the sermons talked about God "sitting" on his throne. Sitting, not pacing because he has it all under control. He isn't anxious or worried, stressed, or nervous, He's in control and unnerved. I can rest in that.
   This may be my last birthday... But I can rest in that too. Because He's in control. I beg Him for more... But also trust His will. Because He is good. No matter what... HE...   IS...    GOOD!  Do you believer that? I do. With tears streaming down my face, and agony in my heart... I believe it! HE IS GOOD!

"For her strength and encouragement"

    It's been a long time since I've posted. Longer then I intended. I've thought of it many times but was a little afraid of what I would be post.
    These past 4 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. My emotions have been very raw. I think our whole family has been a bit depressed. I've been a bit "Cancer Cranky". Although life has not suddenly gotten rosy, I feel like I am in a place where I can post a sincere update with some discernment. :-)
   The last scans were not good. To be honest, I was shocked! I felt so good. How could things not be good? But they weren't. The quick Dr. visit before my infusion turned into hours.
    The lung tumor had a slight increase in growth. (We're talking mm.) everything else was stable and the liver even showed a reduction in tumor size, but the problem was that there were more brain mets. I tried to take it stoically but I was rattled to my core.
    When Dr. Neal came in he gave both me and Lewis big hugs and said he was so sorry. He was surprised too, I think. He's really rooting for me, and spent a long time talking with us and even crying with us. I asked him how he deals with such pain each day? He admitted that he holds his kids a little tighter and cherishes his wife a bit more, and that it's hard. I'm so grateful for the guidance of God in handing us over to this Doctor who truly cares. I think I realized it for the first time this day. He was even reminding ME that I had told him where my hope lies. It was convicting, and beautiful, to have this reminder that God, holds me still, from my, oncologist.
    They talked about cyber knife, and a clinical trial, and got me into the radiologist next door immediately. Dr. Gibbs, The radiologist said that I would also be seeing a neurosurgeon as they like to work together when dealing with the brain. Before anything was decided though she wanted to talk this over with the tumor board on Friday because there were a few spots that were not very solid looking, and questionable if they are more mets or not. She would call me and let me know how we were going to preceded.
      I wasn't thrilled about radiation but thought cyber knife sounding better than full brain radiation
and losing my hair.
      Lewis and I drove home stunned and teary. Things can sure change rather quickly. And they did.
      The next day was our 10 year Anniversary. I couldn't stop crying long enough to even put make up on. We cancelled our dinner plans. Neither of us felt much like celebrating. I felt like I was back at that diagnoses week again, but worse. I knew now, a little bit more; most people diagnosed with what I have live around a year in a half. I was hopeful I would break that statistic and this news felt like doom on that dream.
       The next day I had planned to go to the homeschool convention with my cousin, Summur, and
decided that's just what I needed so I didn't change those plans. It was just what I needed.
      This was Friday, the day I was to get "the call". It came while I was still at the convention. Dr.
Gibbs must have called the minute the tumor board meeting was over. She said there were more brain mets than they thought. To many to cyber knife. Full brain radiation was the suggestion. But my Onc, Dr. Neal had plans of postponing that as far into the future as he could. He suggested the pulse dose of Tarceva; take a full weeks worth on one day and then do the same the the following weeks. This helps the Tarceva get into the brain better and hopefully will help control those brain mets.
        The convention was over for me at that point. All of a sudden I was very tired. Summur and I finished up and headed out.
         The first week of the pulse dose wasn't so bad so they upped it to 900 mg. I started feeling pretty crummy Tuesday-Friday, and the cough came back after about a week of starting this pulse dose.  I'm not a huge fan of how this pulse dose makes me feel but if it's working it's totally worth it.
          Fast forward now to yesterday. Lewie and I went to Stanford to talk treatment options with Dr. Neal. In the mean time I started looking at many options other than conventional, and praying for wisdom and direction. We had some life changing decisions to make, but I wasn't worried. I felt resolutely that God would make the decision clear. As we arrived at the Cancer Center I told Lewis that I felt at Peace. I also felt very neutral on each option laid before us.
        We discussed various treatments and possible reasons for the cough returning.  Dr. Neal felt Chemo was the next best option but also knew that I had made it no secret about my dislike of that plan. As we talked about the options, he proposed that we continue with the pulse dose for the next
two weeks and then scan everything again. Depending on what the scan reveals, we either continue
with the pulse dose or begin Chemo, THAT DAY! We discussed many thing and many options. This option seemed very clear to me. This is what I picked. And I'm at peace. So chemo is scheduled for September 3, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need it with the way I'm feeling.
      Although we have somewhat of a plan, when you're living with Cancer, a lot can change in 2 weeks. I'm learning that the only plan is to take one day at a time. Not to look to far into the future or try to guess what's in it. The plan is to live. Live today. Tomorrow may be a different story, but we have today. So don't think to much on tomorrow. Being a "planner" this is not an easy lesson I'm
learning. I like to know what's coming. Maybe this time, it's best I don't know.
     Daily I have to give the day to God, and purposefully choose to be grateful for it. When I wake up I lay there and make the choice , or don't, those aren't very good days. The "don't" days. The "good choice" days aren't full of happiness and giggles though. They have lots of tears too, but also hope, strength, and beautiful peace.
         God has orchestrated and organized so many things in my life with out my worrying and stressing about it. School this year was heavy on my heart the day we got the bad scan. Before that,  I
felt like I would feel up to teaching, but now the coming weeks and months were completely uncertain and unpredictable. The original plan had to change but the details fell into place beautifully. I felt again the clear direction to home school our kids this coming year. God made it possible and He will make it successful. He is so faithful! I think I'm going to still get to be part of this school year, but if I'm unable, school will go on. Although I don't know what's coming (chemo or not, how sick I'll be...etc.) He does, and He's already on it, making provision.
      I like to choose a theme verse for our school year. This year I chose Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Fear not! Why? Because I, your God, AM WITH YOU! Not just with you, but will HELP you and will STRENGTHEN you.
        Someone prayed for me this week and the prayer touched me deeply. Miraculous Healing was on the list, but my favorite was "for her strength and encouragement". I have been at a loss in the past weeks how to answer when asked " how can I specifically pray for you?". I feel tongue tied. There is so much and yet I can't zero in on one thing. This should be my answer,  "for my strength and encouragement". Because this isn't something you get, and then have to keep. Every day requires a new dose of it.
         My sister, Tena gave me a necklace last week with 2 Timothy 4:17 "but The Lord stood with me, and gave me strength."  That's all that's on the necklace but the verse goes on to say, "so that the message might be preached fully through me..."  I love the necklace, and it reminds me of whom my strength is in, but when I read the whole verse I remembered also why God gives it. Because I still have a job to do, a purpose. He's not through with me yet. So please pray for my strength, and my encouragement, so that the message might be preached fully through me.

PEACE

There have been many posts that I have penned in my head that never made it on here. I had that "feeling" again and decided to not let the moment pass this time.
     I was reflecting on some scripture with Lewie, and thought it interesting that 7 months ago when this chapter in our life began, our word was HOPE. It still is, but unknowingly both Lewie, and I, are clinging to PEACE these days.
      There was a theme in the scriptures we were sharing with each other, and PEACE is that theme. Not the word alone, or the world's idea of peace, but a peace that can only come from the hand of God. A peace that is only known when all around you the storm is pounding. That kind of peace.    
    Hope is tied into that peace. Without the Hope we have in Jesus, and His return to take us with him to heaven, what would be the point of all this? What would be the point of the pain, but what would be the point of even the laughter and joy?
   I should share the scriptures with you.
   I saw a plaque in my moms house with this written on it and keep going back to it.

1 Kings 8:56 "Blessed be The Lord, who has given rest (peace) to His people Isreal, according to all that He promised. There has not failed one word of all His good promises, which He promised through his servant Moses."

   Not even one promise was failed to be kept by The Lord. Not one. I have been focusing heavily on His promises these past few weeks as the devil has been attacking my spirit. This has been a huge encouragement to me even as my heart is heavy and my eyes wet. There has not failed one of His good promises... Not one!
    This is one of the things Lewis shared with me from Ephesians 3:14-21.
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives it name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in
your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And, I pray that you, being
rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the Lords holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge --- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
   Pain helps us grasp this love. It's weird that in our darkest time we feel that love the most deeply.  I love the part, "that you may be filled to the measure with all the fullness of God". Filled. And filled to fullness. ALL the fullness of God. All of it! Wow! Beautiful.
   Peace was what sent Lewis to Ephesians when he found these gems. Ephesians has beautiful promises about the peace that God provides.

troubleshooting

I know some people have mentioned that they are having a hard time subscribing to my blog. I think you just need to follow the prompts to become a follower, and then you should get email updates as I send out new posts. Let me know if any of you still have trouble or aren't getting email updates.

His promises

Stanford week...

 There are things about our Stanford visits I really enjoy. Such as, having Lewie all to myself, eating breakfast at Fraiche, the free 15 minute massage at the Cancer Center, not getting up in the middle of the night with a kiddo...   There are also things I don't like; noisy hotels, missing my kiddo's snuggles, being reminded that I have Cancer... Sigh.
    This was a big trip. It was a scan trip and unlike the last scan, I was uncertain and even skeptical of positive results. I had been so stressed and seemed to have mild morning coughing. The swollen lymph nodes that I could feel didn't feel smaller to me. Were they even more noticeable, or am I just now overly aware of what they are?
    The morning was perfect. Thoroughly enjoyed my, lemon oxidizer and steel cut oats with homemade yogurt at Fraiche, along with my rare treat of a cappuccino. There's are superb! I felt relaxed and happy. It is what it is, it's just unknown to me at the moment.
    After morning labs, Lewie and I waited for the doctor. We need to stop checking in so early. Waiting in those tiny rooms is brutal. The nurse came in and cheerily told us it was a "good scan". Things seem to be stable, she said. I wanted to question her but decided to wait for my oncologist. Was there really no change? I had already plateaued?
   When Dr. Neal came in he told us that Allison had underestimated how good the results were. The tumors were still definately shrinking. Hurray! The report hadn't been written up yet, so I didn't have details on how much and where, but he made it sound like overall, it was looking pretty good.
    It's weird, I was excited with this news after being so unsure, but my thoughts as I headed up to ITA were, "I still have incurable Cancer". It seems that even good news is hard to receive. it's clouded. "Be excited. Be excited" I told myself. I knew everyone else would be.
    I picked my spot and settled in for my infusion. As I waited for the pharmacy to prepare my Zometa, my phone dies . I hadn't brought a book this time. Just my bible and my Trust devotion book that I had already read in the waiting room downstairs. "Perfect!" I thought, and grabbed my Bible.
   I went straight to Psalms, of course. I read a few of my recent faves, and then settled in Psalm 119. I started underlining and writing things down on the back of my return visit sheet.

Psalm 119:50 "My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."My Bible cross refrenced me to: Romans 15:4 "For EVERYTHING that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the scriptures  WE MIGHT HAVE HOPE." Verse 5 goes on to talk about "the God who gives endurance and encouragement." So again, God is our source of Hope, our source of endurance, our source of encouragement... our source of EVERYTHING! Did I know this before D-day? Yes, but I know this in a new way now, and I will know it in an even newer way next month, and the month after, and the month after that...  "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion's never fail. They are new EVERY morning; GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS." Lamentations 3:22-23

Psalm 119:74 "May those who fear you rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in Your word."

"May your unfailing love be my comfort."

"Save me! for I am yours." (v. 94)

After my infusion, before leaving the Cancer Center, we had an unlikely meeting with a local pastor, who encouraged me to cling to God's promises. "Not once have I seen, the Lord, fail to keep His promises."  He said.
  I kind of get the feeling that the Lord, wants my thinking about his promises. :-)
Not about my grim diagnoses. But His faithfulness to me through any suffering.
Not about my future here on earth, or my lack of it, but my hope in heaven.
Not about the difficulty of living with Cancer, but the joy living for HIM
Not about the struggles of fighting for life, but reveling in it. 

This old Hymn has been going through my head:

 
1. Standing on the promises of Christ my King, 
 through eternal ages let his praises ring; 
 glory in the highest, I will shout and sing, 
 standing on the promises of God. 
Refrain:
 Standing, standing, 
 standing on the promises of Christ my Savior; 
 standing, standing, 
 I'm standing on the promises of God. 

2. Standing on the promises that cannot fail, 
 when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, 
 by the living Word of God I shall prevail, 
 standing on the promises of God. 
 (Refrain) 

3. Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord, 
 bound to him eternally by love's strong cord, 
 overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword, 
 standing on the promises of God. 
 (Refrain) 

4. Standing on the promises I cannot fall, 
 listening every moment to the Spirit's call, 
 resting in my Savior as my all in all, 
 standing on the promises of God. 
 (Refrain) 

Standing, because I'm claiming His promises as my own.
Standing because I'm confident in the faithfulness of the ONE promising.
Standing, not because He promises to take away my pain, but because he promises I'll prevail against it.
Standing... because I cannot fall.

Quiet moments

    I can't seem to bring myself to write the third installment of diagnoses week. It's just to heavy of a day to re-visit right now. Maybe I'll get to sometime, but maybe it doesn't need to be remembered either.
    Lewis encouraged me to write an update, let everyone know that a scan is coming up, so that people can be praying. Next scan is on April 29th, and we get the results the next morning followed by a bone infusion.
   I am doing well with these infusions now, thanks to all your faithful prayers. Thank you for those.        
   After the last scan Dr. Neal dropped my Tarceva dose down to 100 mg. from 150 mg. It helped for awhile with some of the rash and tiredness but they seem to be acting up again now. I had been feeling fabulous and full of energy, but Easter weekend wiped me out and I haven't been able to recover.
   This fight has gone beyond the physical and I can feel that I am being severely attacked, spiritually. I knew Satan would not be pleased with our desire to glorify God through this trial, I knew the hits would not stop coming. It's weird, I'm doing well physically, but emotionally I'm a mess.
   Easter Sunday was especially hard and I nearly didn't make it to Church. I struggled all morning with that as I rushed around getting kids ready, "what kind of Christian doesn't make it to Church on Easter Sunday?!"  I thought. The Lord doesn't put thoughts of guilt in our minds like this. I recognized that later... Another attack.
    I was able to be blessed by attending Church on Easter Sunday, and I was glad to hear about the joy that awaits us. It gave me something beautiful to ponder. I know my relationship with The Lord is sure, and I am grateful that I am his and held by Him.
    This update is very raw and transparent. It's not always easy to be completely honest. But I need specific prayers. I know the people who take the time to read this blog are faithfully praying for me. It's amazing how many people have not forgotten us after the shock has worn off. Please know that your prayers carry us, sustain us. As you continue to lift our family up before The Lord, please pray for quiet moments each day to be strengthened in our faith.  Pray for good scans, for the anxiety I am struggling with, for quality sleep and rest, that we will not let our guards down against satan's attacks, and yes, that we will glorify God in our response to this trial.
     I know the temptation after reading a post of this nature is to march on over and offer comfort and help.  But know that I have plenty of help, and what I really need are moments of quiet to be comforted by the only one who can. These moments are difficult to find but I think the most important part of this journey, so I put it at the top of the list.
    One day last week I cancelled school, put Nora down for her nap, turned Andy Griffith on for the kids, and locked myself in the bathroom with stress-relieving essential oils, a bath, and my bible. When I opened my bible I was at Psalm 30, so I started there, and then I just kept going. Here are just a few of the gems He gave me:
"In you, oh Lord, I have taken refuge."
"you are my rock and my fortress"
"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief, my life is consumed by anguish, and my years by groaning, my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak."
"But I trust in you, O Lord, ...my times are in your hands"
"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in The Lord."
"For the word of The Lord is right and true, he is faithful in all he does"
Psalm 33:12-22 was the grand finale of all the beautiful things God gave me that morning. It's beautiful! Read it. I've always loved Psalms, but it has truly become a treasure to me.
   I will update later this week and let you all know the results of the scans. Thank you for praying. We love you all dearly.
   
 

Trust

I neglected to add an important and special part of the day on December 5th.
   While waiting to go in for the PET scan, I pulled out my Trust devotional by Lydia Brownback. I was given this book back in October,and had been enjoying it, so I brought it along. I opened the little book up to the devotion that was next in line. It was titled, "The Goodness of God.".
   "The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made." Psalm 145:9. It starts out talking about this woman's fear of not getting married and her struggle to trust God with it. It wasn't until I was halfway through the devotion that it grabbed me. Lydia says, " If we struggle to trust God, it's because at some level we don't really believe he is good." I was now fully engaged and HEARING. She goes on, "If you are trusting something besides God to keep you safe and to make you happy, you are probably doubting God's goodness. Such doubts gain a foothold in our hearts when God doesn't act the way we think he should or the way we expect that he will.
    But God often acts contrary to how we think a good God should act. The answer we think we need seems so logical and clear to our way of thinking, yet God does not provide it. That is where faith comes in. Real faith isn't the belief that God will do a particular thing; real faith is the conviction that God is good, no matter what he does and however he chooses to answer our prayers. God always has our best in mind, and he works to bring it about, no matter how it may look initially to our way of thinking.
   You can trust him because he is good. And that goodness can be found---right now, today---in the very thing that you are so anxious about. Will you trust him? Will you believe he is being good to you? He is."
   Wow! God had my attention. I knew that trusting God didn't mean believing that he would heal me. This little devo summed it up. Trusting God is believing he is good even if he doesn't. Trusting in God is trusting he is good no matter what, not thinking that he should or will do whatever I ask him to do.
    I knew God could heal me, but I wasn't sure if he would. That made me fear. Fear for my kids and husband. What would they do?  However, trusting in Gods goodness, brings peace. Peace that he is holding them in his powerful, gentle, and loving hands, just as he is holding me.
   I was amazed, as I would be many times over, for his timing in giving me what I needed before I even realized it. That's God. For instance, when I shared with my cousin, Laura how meaningful this gift had been to me. She told me that she had prayed for wisdom and Gods direction on which one to choose for me; Joy, Purity, or Trust?  She felt God prompting her to give the "Trust" one to me. She struggled with that because she didn't think that was the one I would enjoy the most. But God knew... And so Laura listening to his prompting and gave me the trust devotional. I've been so grateful that she did.
    I went into my PET scan feeling cheery and chipper. Quite a contrast from my sad tears earlier that morning as we traveled 132. I would need this truth tomorrow as the results of this scan, I was
preparing to do, was revealed to us. I was resolved to remember what I had read today to matter what came tomorrow.

How do we tell them?

   On our way home we knew that the hard part was ahead... Telling our families. This was the hardest part for me. I knew how sad they would be. I hated to be the reason for that. My mom had just lost her mom, and now I would tell her that her only daughter has cancer.
   How would the kids react. They knew the word, CANCER. It was a dirty word to them. We had prayed, and were praying for many people who were in the middle of their battle, some that had died. They knew...
   We broke the news to the kids over morning snuggles in our bed. Alton gasped, Carter wanted to know if I was going to die. We did our best to reassure them that though we didn't know, we did know that God was going take care of us, so we needn't worry. They seemed satisfied and comforted. I was sort of surprised it went so well. I knew that they didn't really get it, and that was probably best. 
     There were lots of tears and disbelief that 4th day of December. I was sad all day, but it wasn't for me, it was for everyone else. To be honest, I was relieved in a way. Relieved to finally know what  was wrong with me.
    We spent the morning giving sad news, crying with loved ones, and praying together. The day was  busy with visitors and phone calls. A welcomed distraction from the reality of the news we had received the night before. I was exhausted by the time the day had come to an end, and the last visitor was walked to the door. Exhausted. Comforted. Overwhelmed. But not by the circumstances. Overwhelmed by the mass amount of people that loved us, were sorrowing for and with us. That feeling would continue.
    Thursday morning we woke early for our drive to Stanford for the morning PET scan and then an MRI that afternoon. My mood was different this day. As we headed down 132, my heart felt heavy, and the tears started to slowly roll. Lewis misses nothing these days. He took my hand asking if I was alright. " yesterday, I was sad for everyone else... But today, I'm sad for me."
    I cried for a little while longer but then I was done. And I mean done. No more tears that day. We listened to Matt Mahor, "Lord, I need you" the entire way. It felt good to know that we would get no results today. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know the results of these tests, so it was nice that for today, I could just enjoy my husband.
    The PET scan was interesting. I didn't realize that I would be radioactive for 24 hours and not even able to be within a few feet of my kids for a prolonged period of time. Crazy! The gal comes out wearing heavy duty gloves, carrying a metal cylinder that she hooks up to my IV and pumps into me. "And I was worried about eating canned soup", I thought. It was seriously comical to me.
    When the test was over, we had a few hours before my MRI. So we headed to  P.F. Changs for lunch and and did a little shopping at the Palo Alto mall. I remember being pretty tired as we strolled hand in hand, window shopping. I still wasn't feeling well and now it made sense why.
    The day was almost like a date-day with my husband. Like a honeymoon period or calm before the storm. I remember this day fondly. It was special. Lewis and I were more in love then ever, and were cherishing each moment. Holding hands like newlyweds, and I even got public kisses. Anyone who knows Lewie knows this does not happen. But everything had changed, and it would never be the same. The things that used to be a big deal weren't anymore.
   This Thursday was definately one of my favorite days together. I think we both knew that tomorrow the news could get much worse. Today we were still in the dark, but tomorrow, knowledge would come to us. Knowledge we may not want.

  

D-day! The journey begins

I've decided to revisit my blog. I think the things I'm sharing and experiencing could be meaningful and helpful to my children in the future. I started journals for each of the kids so that I can write personal things to them, but this will be a different side of things. The day to day side of things.
Here we go:
August- began coughing. A dry cough, with no fever, cold or other symptoms. I thought nothing of it.
September- cough becomes more persistent and Lewis keeps telling me to get to the doctor. I knew they would give me an allergy medicine or antibiotic, and since I was nursing I would do neither. So why bother?
October - cough is annoying me and effecting my sleep. I am now noticing back pain, as well as a pain around my heart. I make a dr. appointment by the end of the month. Was given an allergy medicine (which I didn't take) and an inhaler.
November - I'm getting worse. Cough is horrible. I can't even have a conversation now. I try the inhaler. It doesn't really make a difference. I call the dr. again and this time I asked for the chest X-ray  he had mentioned, and blood work. I get a call that same day. I have pneumonia. Can't avoid the
antibiotics. He also mentioned that both he and the radiologist thought it strange that a young healthy woman would have two occurrences of pneumonia within two years of each other, and he would like me to see a pulmonary specialist. I agreed and requested I be sent to Stanford (just in case it was something serious).
   My appointment was made for January 7th. My doctor followed up with them and told them they needed to see my NOW. I had an appointment the next day. Met with a Dr. Kahzeni. She thought I had valley fever and was wondering why I was even there. I didn't LOOK sick. So I get it, but I thought her rude and unhelpful.
    She strung me along for two weeks with tests to see if I had valley fever that all failed. Finally she said she would have to do a bronchoscopy. That didn't sound like a good time to me, but I was getting desperate to know what was wrong with me. I was feeling pretty crummy by now with very little
energy and a horrible cough. Cancer crossed my mind... Nah! That's crazy!
  Lucky for me Kahzeni doesn't do Broncs. So I was turned over to Dr. Sung. He immediately ordered a CT scan. He wondered why it had not been done before this? Then, depending on the results, he would order the bronc.
December -  Lewis and I headed to Stanford on December 3rd and started the day with a CT scan with contrast. By the time we made it to the Doctors Office he had seen the scan and ordered the bronc. When we met with him he was very nonchalant. He knew... He had to, But he didn't want to believe what he saw till he knew for sure.
    He cancelled a meeting to get me in sooner. I had the Bronchoscopy at noon. It was awful! I was coughing of course and then began gagging on the scope they had down my throat. I kept telling myself that I can breath even though it felt like I couldn't and just stay calm. The Doctors were really nice and reassuring. I still had no idea.
     While I was in recovery, Dr. Sung shared his suspicions of cancer with, Lewie. He told him that if I wasn't 34 he would say its cancer. Lewis cried and told him "you don't understand. She is the love of my life! We have four kids. She CAN'T have cancer!" The doctor cried with Lewis.
   When Lewis came in to see me I was all smiles, but he was fighting tears. "They're looking into the possibility that it's cancer." He said. I was fairly unfazed. "let's not worry about it until we know for sure."  Looking back now I would not have been so calm if I had been putting the pieces together.
   Unbeknownst to me they had put a rush on my biopsy. They said from here they wanted me to head over to get an ultrasound because there was fluid around my heart and they wanted to be sure it was functioned properly before they send us home. Then we would meet back at the office to discuss the results. I was hoping I wouldn't be hospitalized.
   One of the doctors personally escorted us to the ultrasound. I thought nothing of it but Lewis was wondering why they were being so helpful.
    When we arrived back at the doctors office things were pretty dead. It was well after 5pm now and probably getting close to 6pm.
    When the doctors came in Dr. Sung sat knee to knee with me before he said, " this isn't going to be easy to hear... It's Cancer.".
    I was aware of Lewis crying next to me as he tightly held my hand. I stoically was taking in the information:
Surgery was not an option, my treatment would be chemo.
It was also found in my lymph nodes.
My heart was functioning fine so no worries there.
There would be more tests on Thursday,  a PET scan and brain MRI.
Friday I would meet my oncologist.
Don't google anything!
   They also asked about our support system and faith, saying this helped my odds. He also mentioned the possibility of my cancer being part of a mutation that would then just be treated with a pill. Sounding promising, we would hope for that.
   They reassured us that they were there to help us with anything they could. Was there anything?
   At this point the information stopped coming. I think this is when my tears began. When the word, "Cancer" was mentioned, My immediate thought was, "Struck down, but not destroyed". It kept coming to me as if God himself was near, whispering into my ear. And he was near. As He always has been.
    I told them I would fight hard, and do whatever it took to beat this. I had four little reasons at
home ...
    Diagnoses day was dubbed D-day. But the week wasn't over. There was more to come.
 
 

2011 Birthday Pictures

My friend, Kelley came over yesterday to take the kids 2011 birthday pictures. I stressed for a ridiculous amount of time with their outfits. In the end, their sweet faces are what made the pictures so precious to me. Not the perfect outfit. 

 Carter and Alton getting warmed up. 

I love how Alton is posing so perfectly with his little hands in his lap.

Precious girl

 Natalie was clapping

The necklace was a good idea. She was pretty happy as long as she had that in her little mitts. :)

So... Natalie is 1 year old. Almost 13 months by now. I can hardly believe the last year went so fast. Natalie has brought us endless joy and much laughter. Your sweet brothers adore you, Little Sis, and Daddy and Mommy feel so very blessed to be your parents. I love your snuggles and am so grateful for each day that your favorite place to lay your head is on my shoulder. I pray that the bond we share only grows as you do. I promise to continually seek to guide you in a godly path and lovingly direct you. 

I love you, sweet little, Natalie Kate!

My, Little Altie Hugh: "Altonater" to Daddy, big and little brother, sweetie and a stinker...etc. You are so many things. I had no idea you would make my life so full, but you are always surprising me. :) You have charm that I can hardly resist and a whine that can shatter mommies nerves. You are my snuggle bug, but when I tell you that you say, "No... I Alton!" with a cheeky smile of course. You love to sing and go around the house singing your latest favorite; Trust and Obey, Lord's Army, or Jesus loves me. Your sweet little voice is the most precious sound to me. I hope you always have the confidence to sing your heart out. Alton will be 3 on August 6. I promise to prayerfully protect your tender heart and point you toward Jesus. I love you, Alton!

                                                              "Can I make a funny face?"

                                                 I can hear Carter's giggle when I look at this picture

                                                      This is my favorite picture of Carter.
    Carter... my baby. Not so much anymore. You are nearly 5! You have been so excited to be 5. Or maybe it's just to have the birthday. We are counting down the days... 11 more days till August 1st. "Is that a long time, Mommy?" To you, Yes. To me, No. :) You are asking for a race car cake. I'm not to sure how I'm going to accomplish that but we'll see.
     My little man, Your smile can melt me to the core and soften my heart. You are such a precious boy, not a toddler anymore. You are growing and learning so fast and very excited to do so. You have become a huge help to me and desire to be a hard worker like Daddy.
     Since your last birthday you have been to the ER, had stitches, asked Jesus into your heart, had your first teeth cleaning, learned to drive a four-wheeler, crashed your four-wheeler, learned to pump on the swing...etc. A lot has happened in the past 12 months... such as Mommy falling even more in love with her little...big boy. You are so eager to please me and make me happy. When I am grumpy or sad you talk about how you will give me a flower and then I will be happy. Just talking about it makes me happy. You can lift my spirits and touch my heart.
    I promise to not grow weary in teaching you and training you in the ways of the Lord and giving you the tools to grow closer to Him. And, Buddy... I love birthday's too. I can't wait to celebrate yours. I love you so much, Carter Lewis!

My three little joy's... my precious blessings... thanks you, Lord, for these priceless and undeserved gift's.

                                                                           YEAH!

Christmas (part 3) the final "part"

Christmas Morning!

 Natalie's first one.

The kids all woke up around 7:30am even though we went to bed really late. They were so excited to see what was in their stockings and the open the presents under the tree.

But they had to wait patiently for daddy who was still putting Alton's gift together in the garage.

Last-minute-Lewie. :)

Carter was thrilled to get a helmet even though he didn't have the four-wheeler to go with it.

But Daddy had another gift hiding in the garage...

it's cold... why did we not put shoes on?

Daddy ran in and got them for us.

When the garage door went up the look on their faces was worth more than what was inside.

Alton bent down to peek under the door as it went up and shouted, "four-wheeler!"

Good Job, Daddy! It was worth waiting for.

The Big Bohn Christmas.

Uncle Bob was thrilled to have a baby to hold.

Natalie fell asleep on his shoulder.

Both were quite content.

Papoo and Grammy with their six great grandchildren

Papa and Coco with their sixe grandkiddos

us :)

 The last Christmas....

I could see the greed on their faces as they opened the last presents of the year. I didn't want to take pictures of it. The blessings had become a curse. Alton was just sick of it and refused to open his last two presents and I sure wasn't going to make him. I was able to help him open them later the next day but he really could have cared less about them. Carter would open one and with a glazed look in his eyes ask, "do I have anymore?" It could be blamed on the tiredness and all the sugar, which surely played a big part. I tried to prepare all of us for the bombardment of gifts the kids would receive but it still seemed that the greed had gotten the best of them.

The next day Pastor preached a sermon and talked about how when we are given so many blessings we forget to be thankful for what God has given us. Instead we just keep asking, "Do You have anymore, God?" As Pastor talked I pictured my little Carter's glazed face as he ripped open present after present, not even seeing what was inside. Just moving onto the next one. The more he got the more discontent he became with what he had just gotten. I then could see myself before God, receiving blessing after blessing, tearing through them without even really seeing them, the more I get the more I want and the more I ask for. Do I stop to see the precious gifts God has given me or do I plunge through them like a child on Christmas? My prayer for this New Year of 2011 is to truly see each gift God has so graciously given me; my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my salvation, my hope, my joy, my peace, and enjoy each one. I must teach my children to be content before God and not just with the presents they get for Christmas.