I can't seem to bring myself to write the third installment of diagnoses week. It's just to heavy of a day to re-visit right now. Maybe I'll get to sometime, but maybe it doesn't need to be remembered either.
Lewis encouraged me to write an update, let everyone know that a scan is coming up, so that people can be praying. Next scan is on April 29th, and we get the results the next morning followed by a bone infusion.
I am doing well with these infusions now, thanks to all your faithful prayers. Thank you for those.
After the last scan Dr. Neal dropped my Tarceva dose down to 100 mg. from 150 mg. It helped for awhile with some of the rash and tiredness but they seem to be acting up again now. I had been feeling fabulous and full of energy, but Easter weekend wiped me out and I haven't been able to recover.
This fight has gone beyond the physical and I can feel that I am being severely attacked, spiritually. I knew Satan would not be pleased with our desire to glorify God through this trial, I knew the hits would not stop coming. It's weird, I'm doing well physically, but emotionally I'm a mess.
Easter Sunday was especially hard and I nearly didn't make it to Church. I struggled all morning with that as I rushed around getting kids ready, "what kind of Christian doesn't make it to Church on Easter Sunday?!" I thought. The Lord doesn't put thoughts of guilt in our minds like this. I recognized that later... Another attack.
I was able to be blessed by attending Church on Easter Sunday, and I was glad to hear about the joy that awaits us. It gave me something beautiful to ponder. I know my relationship with The Lord is sure, and I am grateful that I am his and held by Him.
This update is very raw and transparent. It's not always easy to be completely honest. But I need specific prayers. I know the people who take the time to read this blog are faithfully praying for me. It's amazing how many people have not forgotten us after the shock has worn off. Please know that your prayers carry us, sustain us. As you continue to lift our family up before The Lord, please pray for quiet moments each day to be strengthened in our faith. Pray for good scans, for the anxiety I am struggling with, for quality sleep and rest, that we will not let our guards down against satan's attacks, and yes, that we will glorify God in our response to this trial.
I know the temptation after reading a post of this nature is to march on over and offer comfort and help. But know that I have plenty of help, and what I really need are moments of quiet to be comforted by the only one who can. These moments are difficult to find but I think the most important part of this journey, so I put it at the top of the list.
One day last week I cancelled school, put Nora down for her nap, turned Andy Griffith on for the kids, and locked myself in the bathroom with stress-relieving essential oils, a bath, and my bible. When I opened my bible I was at Psalm 30, so I started there, and then I just kept going. Here are just a few of the gems He gave me:
"In you, oh Lord, I have taken refuge."
"you are my rock and my fortress"
"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief, my life is consumed by anguish, and my years by groaning, my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak."
"But I trust in you, O Lord, ...my times are in your hands"
"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in The Lord."
"For the word of The Lord is right and true, he is faithful in all he does"
Psalm 33:12-22 was the grand finale of all the beautiful things God gave me that morning. It's beautiful! Read it. I've always loved Psalms, but it has truly become a treasure to me.
I will update later this week and let you all know the results of the scans. Thank you for praying. We love you all dearly.