Monday, May 5, 2014
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Sunday, May 4, 2014
There are things about our Stanford visits I really enjoy. Such as, having Lewie all to myself, eating breakfast at Fraiche, the free 15 minute massage at the Cancer Center, not getting up in the middle of the night with a kiddo... There are also things I don't like; noisy hotels, missing my kiddo's snuggles, being reminded that I have Cancer... Sigh.
This was a big trip. It was a scan trip and unlike the last scan, I was uncertain and even skeptical of positive results. I had been so stressed and seemed to have mild morning coughing. The swollen lymph nodes that I could feel didn't feel smaller to me. Were they even more noticeable, or am I just now overly aware of what they are?
The morning was perfect. Thoroughly enjoyed my, lemon oxidizer and steel cut oats with homemade yogurt at Fraiche, along with my rare treat of a cappuccino. There's are superb! I felt relaxed and happy. It is what it is, it's just unknown to me at the moment.
After morning labs, Lewie and I waited for the doctor. We need to stop checking in so early. Waiting in those tiny rooms is brutal. The nurse came in and cheerily told us it was a "good scan". Things seem to be stable, she said. I wanted to question her but decided to wait for my oncologist. Was there really no change? I had already plateaued?
When Dr. Neal came in he told us that Allison had underestimated how good the results were. The tumors were still definately shrinking. Hurray! The report hadn't been written up yet, so I didn't have details on how much and where, but he made it sound like overall, it was looking pretty good.
It's weird, I was excited with this news after being so unsure, but my thoughts as I headed up to ITA were, "I still have incurable Cancer". It seems that even good news is hard to receive. it's clouded. "Be excited. Be excited" I told myself. I knew everyone else would be.
I picked my spot and settled in for my infusion. As I waited for the pharmacy to prepare my Zometa, my phone dies . I hadn't brought a book this time. Just my bible and my Trust devotion book that I had already read in the waiting room downstairs. "Perfect!" I thought, and grabbed my Bible.
I went straight to Psalms, of course. I read a few of my recent faves, and then settled in Psalm 119. I started underlining and writing things down on the back of my return visit sheet.
Psalm 119:50 "My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."My Bible cross refrenced me to: Romans 15:4 "For EVERYTHING that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the scriptures WE MIGHT HAVE HOPE." Verse 5 goes on to talk about "the God who gives endurance and encouragement." So again, God is our source of Hope, our source of endurance, our source of encouragement... our source of EVERYTHING! Did I know this before D-day? Yes, but I know this in a new way now, and I will know it in an even newer way next month, and the month after, and the month after that... "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion's never fail. They are new EVERY morning; GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS." Lamentations 3:22-23
Psalm 119:74 "May those who fear you rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in Your word."
"May your unfailing love be my comfort."
"Save me! for I am yours." (v. 94)
After my infusion, before leaving the Cancer Center, we had an unlikely meeting with a local pastor, who encouraged me to cling to God's promises. "Not once have I seen, the Lord, fail to keep His promises." He said.
I kind of get the feeling that the Lord, wants my thinking about his promises. :-)
Not about my grim diagnoses. But His faithfulness to me through any suffering.
Not about my future here on earth, or my lack of it, but my hope in heaven.
Not about the difficulty of living with Cancer, but the joy living for HIM
Not about the struggles of fighting for life, but reveling in it.
This old Hymn has been going through my head:
1. Standing on the promises of Christ my King, through eternal ages let his praises ring; glory in the highest, I will shout and sing, standing on the promises of God. Refrain: Standing, standing, standing on the promises of Christ my Savior; standing, standing, I'm standing on the promises of God. 2. Standing on the promises that cannot fail, when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, by the living Word of God I shall prevail, standing on the promises of God. (Refrain) 3. Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord, bound to him eternally by love's strong cord, overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword, standing on the promises of God. (Refrain) 4. Standing on the promises I cannot fall, listening every moment to the Spirit's call, resting in my Savior as my all in all, standing on the promises of God. (Refrain)
Standing, because I'm claiming His promises as my own.
Standing because I'm confident in the faithfulness of the ONE promising.
Standing, not because He promises to take away my pain, but because he promises I'll prevail against it.
Standing... because I cannot fall.