Here I am, the eve of my 35th birthday, and gearing up for my second cycle of chemo. Having positive thoughts about it being better than last time but also planning for a good week of feeling crummy and afternoon naps the week beyond that. The little bit of energy I have I anticipate putting into homeschooling the kids, which I love. But it cuts into spending time with my sweet friends that carry me through with cleaning my house, cooking Kerri-friendly-meals, organic produce runs, watching my kids, and anything else my heart desires or needs, they are there. Thanks dear friends and family. What would I do without you? I'm emotional tonight as I know we are going into another season of me being " in need". This morning I had to push down the feelings of mourning what is gone and will never be so that I could take my kids to their co-op. I know I'm missing out on so much... And I'm missing it.
I'm begging God for more time and that this chemo is healing the cancer that is ravaging my body. I don't want to go to Stanford tomorrow. I want to be with my kids, my family, eating chips and salsa at Chevys like we normally do. I wonder if this is my last birthday with them... Please God, give me more time with them, each day is a gift. I recognize it fully and cherish each moment. I can't believe we are living this nightmare. Is this real?
The tears won't stop. With chemo came the emotional flood of tears at the drop of a hat. I'm good though... The depression I felt when we first heard that there are many brain mets is gone. (Thank you, Lord!) but the tears come quickly. Emotians are raw, but I feel held carefully in Gods mighty hands. Lovingly held. Because I am.
There has been sermon after sermon, and devo after devo that has felt just for me. One of the sermons talked about God "sitting" on his throne. Sitting, not pacing because he has it all under control. He isn't anxious or worried, stressed, or nervous, He's in control and unnerved. I can rest in that.
This may be my last birthday... But I can rest in that too. Because He's in control. I beg Him for more... But also trust His will. Because He is good. No matter what... HE... IS... GOOD! Do you believer that? I do. With tears streaming down my face, and agony in my heart... I believe it! HE IS GOOD!